Any time I create a boundary it is because I either do not trust myself, or I do not trust the other person. Why is it then that clear boundaries build trust, and the absence of boundaries creates mistrust? The same can be said for systems of accountability. Systems of accountability tend to foster trust, whereas the absence of accountability creates mistrust. And yet, when we put systems of accountability in place, it can sometimes feel like an act of mistrust.
This is the trust paradox. Sometimes we must do things that feel mistrusting to create the conditions for high trust. Much of the mistrust in organizations today stems from a misunderstanding of this simple truth.
Start with the Right Question
One reason this paradox exists is we are starting with the wrong question. As human beings our tendency is to fixate on the question, “Can I trust this person?” However, the more important question is, “Do I desire to trust this person?”
The first question leads me to scrutinize the other person’s words and actions, looking for chinks in the armor. It leads me to be passive regarding trust, because I am putting the burden of trust entirely on the other person. Ultimately, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because that person will eventually let me down. Trust is dependent on my emotions — how I am feeling about this person at any point in time. This is a counterfeit trust that is fragile and easily lost.
On the other hand, the second question leads me to action and ultimately growth. When I start with the desire to build trust, it leads me to take ownership. It reflects a growth mindset in that it moves me to see people as they can be, not merely as they are today. This leads to an enduring trust that holds up, or even grows, through failure and disappointment.
If we both start with the desire to trust each other, it creates freedom for each of us to focus on the objective things we need to do to build high trust. It frees us to reject counterfeit trust and to demand the real thing. It also frees us from being slaves to our emotions, which are fleeting and tend to lead us astray.
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